Anyone who was raised with at least one sibling has the basic ingredients for creating stress in their family’s life. When you add in aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews, the stew pot referred to as the “extended family” gets a lot more complicated.

Some large families seem to be the epitome of happiness and love, until they attend a family reunion, wedding or holiday party--then the fireworks start. Some families have the eccentric aunt or uncle who starts the fight with a tasteless joke or off-color comment.  This is sure to evoke suppressed jealousy, envy or simmering rage over some event that happened years ago. Even in the best of families, there always seems to be one defining incident that damages the fragile bonds that hold some families together.

I was raised in a large family that extends over more than 40 relatives, in-laws and now grandchildren. People are constantly amazed that my four sisters, two brothers and myriad of sons-in-law and daughters-in-law communicate regularly by telephone, cards and e-mails.

But, we’re certainly not perfect either. There are always some petty issues that crop up from time to time that generate some heated comments or criticisms. But these are quickly forgotten, and no one is irreparably damaged or hurt by them. 

It’s natural that large or extended families will, on occasion, face conflict that is generated by changes in financial status, the needs of our children and spouses, or the various maturation processes that we experience throughout our lives. None of us can honestly say that our expectations at age 40 or 50 are the same today as they were in our teenage years. We may act like kids sometimes, but we have also learned to deal with the responsibilities that accompany marriage, children, jobs and adult life in general.

Why do some families seem better prepared to deal with adversity, eagerly welcome change and provide a big safety net for their loved ones? I think that it comes from the parents’ success at laying the proper foundation in early childhood. 

With a large family, there are naturally going to be jealousies inherent in watching one sibling, or relative, succeed while others never seem to make the grade. But this should not diminish the success of other family members, no matter how small or insignificant, that everyone takes pride in sharing. How well, or badly, parents teach their kids at an early age to deal with success, failure and the stresses of daily life determines how they function as adults. 

Our family always celebrated good report cards, birthdays, athletic performances, holidays and large family gatherings. We learned to enjoy each person’s contributions regardless of the importance, because to that individual, the achievement was always more significant than the outcome. 

Sure, we all like to win. But that’s not the only test of a person’s ability. The very act of participating, doing their best and being a team player was enough to generate love, attention and recognition from family members.    

I worry that one key component of family unity is breaking down today--communication.  There’s so much pressure to achieve at every age that we’ve become addicted to winning at all cost. Parents work long hours, kids are involved in numerous outside activities, extended families don’t get together to celebrate each other’s lives.

We’ve shifted our focus to individual pursuits at the expense of family. Granted, some people may have achieved great financial success and secured material wealth. But they have done so without the admiration or respect of their brothers, sisters or in-laws. They have isolated themselves from their family. Skyrocketing divorce rates, drug and alcohol abuse, and dysfunctional families may result from losing perspective in our lives.

These situations are prone to create family conflicts. Very few people can boast that they have achieved their life’s ambitions…and done so with their entire family’s support and admiration. There’s always some collateral damage that destroys relationships and creates emotional chasms that may never be overcome. It can be pretty lonely when there’s no one to share your success with.

It’s unfortunate, but the moments that have defined many families are not positive ones.  The events that test a family’s love for one another and strength are often times associated with a parent’s death, death of a sibling, loss of a child or debilitating illness.    When a person is facing one of these catastrophic events, it’s their immediate, or extended, family that offers the most comfort and relief. It’s nice to know that you don’t have to face these crises alone.

Conflict is inevitable in most families. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t experienced it. I hope that, in spite of these moments, families can embrace conflict, anticipate it and continue to celebrate the positive aspects of their relationships while allowing even the bad times to strengthen their bonds and love for each other. And, as a church leader, you can teach and encourage the families in your congregation to deal with conflict in a positive manner